The Long Cold Run

Breaking the Silence

This month's Runner's World magazine issue featured broken the silence about a serious issue impacting member of the running community -- clinical depression. I've been battling depression and serious PTSD for a number of years while consistently maintaining that I can fix it on my own. My inner mantra has been "you have to push through, you've been through harder." Last year I was so depressed that I couldn't train for the BAA half-marathon. Just getting the basics of daily life done frequently is a struggle.

"What do you mean your depressed, you're training for a marathon -- that's just not possible" is a frequent response from folks when I try to talk about my depression. How is it possible to both active and clinically depressed? Good question -- depression for me, sometimes means that I can't get out of bed or that when I do, I only manage to make it through the workday and come home to hide. Other days, I've gone out to run so that I can "push through" only to be completely miserable. Lately, running has been one of the only things I've enjoyed (though Friday I bailed on a long run after work sent me into a major tailslide). Work, school, and everything else have been exhausting and left me unable to function during the hours that I'm at home. The stress put on me and my family as a result has been unbelievable.

Runner's World's willingness to take on the issue of depression among athletes has caught me by surprise, but it has helped knowing that as a runner and a person struggling against depression, I am not alone. The feeling of isolation and that I should be able to handle everything without help has always been a significant barrier. I'm beginning to realize (well, atleast today I realize...)that if I am strong enough to run a marathon, I'm strong enough to say that I need help and medication to keep me on the roads...

posted by Jesse @ 4:37 PM